Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
