I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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