Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
