He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
