I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
