new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
