I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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