Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
