I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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