I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
