Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
