Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
