she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
