I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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