i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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