Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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