This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
