just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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