True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
