I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
