Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
