Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
