I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
