Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
