somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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