How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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