Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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