He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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