I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
