Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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