hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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