so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
