ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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