She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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