I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
