if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
