if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
