I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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