he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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