Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
