We named our party play list daddy issues
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
