Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
