I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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