she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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