never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
