Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
