They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
