Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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