Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
