She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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