What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Of course I have a pirate flag
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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