Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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